Mentoring Matters

InsideGogo Article by Barry Rowan • January 20, 2022 

It is a great gift to have someone believe in us for who we are that we might grow into who we can become.

The Value of Mentors in our Lives

Mentors have played a major role in who I am, including two professors during my university years.  The first was “The General” as we all affectionately called him.  Major General Sawyer retired from a 33-year career in the army to teach at the tiny College of Idaho.  During my junior year there I made the decision to add a business major, which naturally meant I would cram four years into five...The General supervised my senior honors paper, and most importantly, encouraged this kid –who grew up on a farm where his first job was feeding the chickens for two cents a day— to apply to the Harvard Business School. He handed me his letter of recommendation with the envelope unsealed which I took as an invitation to read it.  And as I did, tears filled my eyes from knowing that someone I so respected would express such respect for me.  His belief in me increased my belief in myself. 

The second was a professor at Harvard Business School who would grow into a master teacher of the case method during his 50-year tenure there. Four of us formed a team and were selected to do a year-long field study under Professor Christensen’s direction, and he, too, saw more in me that I might have seen in myself. His encouragement to grow into the capable, values-based leader he thought I could become was a great inspiration to me. The echoes of his wise counsel then, and through the remaining years until his retirement, are still a part of me today.

It may seem easier to find mentors through their natural positions as our teachers or professors than it is as we progress through our careers.  We may even experience barriers to finding and building these relationships. 

Sometimes we have to take the initiative.

A few weeks after moving to the Pacific Northwest when I was 35 years old, I was invited to a conference where the co-chairman of Nordstrom was a featured speaker.  I was deeply moved as he authentically shared the story of his business career and, more importantly, of his life.  I asked the person who’d invited me to the conference whether he thought Jack would be willing to meet with me.  Based on his strong yes, I wrote a three-page letter asking Jack if he would be willing to be my “spiritual mentor.”  Admitting in the letter that I really didn’t know what that might be, I said I was looking for a holistic friendship that could encompass every dimension of my life.  After graciously hosting me to several sumptuous dinners at his favorite restaurants in the Seattle area, I think he wasn’t quite sure what to do with me.  We ended up putting together a group of eight guys, half in their 60s and half in our 30s, and we met together for the entire six years I was in Seattle.  It was a privilege to be invited to Jack’s 90th birthday celebration with a group of a dozen friends a few months ago and to reminisce about the great impact he’d had on each of our lives.

I have also sought out and met with people I would call “spiritual directors” for over 20 years.  As we’ve moved to different cities, I’ve had to find new people who might take me on in these various locations—They have included a telecom executive, a lawyer, a high school physics teacher, and a former president of a college turned leader of a retreat center. These longitudinal friendships have been of great help to me in navigating the adventure of life.

Sometimes mentorship can come from surprising places.

A few years ago, I read a quote from C.S. Lewis saying, “I am the product of endless books.”  I realized so am I...But I had underappreciated the role of authors in shaping my life.  My wife, Linda, calls them my “dead friends.” So I went to my bookshelf and put together an excel spreadsheet (of course I did...) of the 150 or so books that had impacted me in a meaningful way and organized them roughly in the order I’d read them over the previous 15 years or so.  I was amazed to see how this list represented a proxy for my own journey.  There is a Buddhist saying that when the pupil is ready the teacher will appear.  These authors from decades or centuries before had certainly appeared at the right times for me.

The Joy of Being a Mentor

After working flat-out for 25 years, I took a “purposeful pause” in my career when I turned 50.  During that time, I had a list of 27 people who, if they called, I would automatically say yes to having a cup of coffee or lunch with them.  However, I don’t call it mentoring.  I call these “intergenerational friendships.” For two reasons.  First, being called a mentor implies I have something to say or to give...and that in itself can be intimidating.  Secondly, mentoring implies that it is a one-way relationship, and that is absolutely not the case.  While the younger person might gain some understanding by hearing about the potholes we older folks have fallen into, I derive great energy from the energy of the younger generation.  I learn from their sense of wonder and the anticipation of having more years ahead of them than behind them.

Linda and I have had the privilege of leading six trips to Central America with Harvard graduate students.  We designed these as holistic adventures where we observed very different economies in action, walked with the poor, and discussed the deeper things of life with some 60 students over the years.  Our conversations covered the waterfront—managing the demands of dual careers, deciding to have and raising kids, how we handle our finances, and how to give back.  One of the greatest surprises to me from these trips and through the continuing relationships coming out of them has been the impact of doing this together with my wife. 

Believing that real growth comes from deep relationships over the long haul, we then invited 20 of these students, their spouses and our sons to meet together twice a year for a long weekend for three years.  The relationships have continued and have deepened since then. We are scheduled to go to the sixth annual reunion with that group in Dallas in February.

My generation includes a lot of Lone Rangers. I certainly have these tendencies—a desire to figure it out on my own; not wanting to be told what to do.  While it may be an unfair generalization, as I walk alongside many younger people it seems that the next generation appreciates the impact of being in community and contributing to the Common Good out of these relationships.  They are often eager to learn from those who are a few miles further down the path.

Becoming Ourselves

Even as we meet with people we admire, the goal of these relationships is not to become someone else, but to become ourselves.  I’ve found that true life is found in living out our most authentic selves.  But it’s a gift to have others walk beside us, encourage us, and help point the way to who we are and who we can become.

What might I do?

Mentors can come to us from many places…friends, family members, business associates, even authors! Are there areas of your life where you’d like to grow or be challenged, and are there people who could walk with you on that journey? Is there someone you might approach who could be your mentor, a longitudinal friend, or holistic guide? There’s no risk in asking…and you might be surprised by the answer.

There are also lots of resources online...As a way to break through the start-up barrier here’s a  LinkedIn Learning course offering three quick steps to think through which you might try: Who should be your mentor?